Coffee Inspiration Part 1

First off, I apologize that I have not been keeping this up at all. So much has happened since my last post. I’m now three semesters away from graduating college, I have my own apartment off campus, and I can legally drink. Besides being busy trying to not drop out of school as well as being adult enough to actually take care of the apartment and myself, I have also been watching a ton of tv shows like Criminal Minds and Numbers. Spoiler; watching crime dramas late at night when you live by yourself can make you slightly paranoid, especially if you’re addicted to coffee. Anyway, as I keep watching these shows and drinking more coffee, I realized that the most inspirational sayings I have come from either lessons learned from tv or random thoughts while on coffee. So, since I remembered I have a blog, I thought I’d post one from today. I am currently in Season 2 of Numbers and they just had a shooting at the FBI office that the main characters work at. It should also be noted I’m drinking coffee and had just previously watched Criminal Minds episode. As I’m watching, I started thinking about fear and how intense fear can shape our actions. This lead to me saying (still entirely to myself) “Fear is a powerful emotion; it can be what keeps you alive, but it can also be what keeps you from truly living.” Think about it, fear is what keeps us alive. Without fear, one might be tempted into walking down the pitch black alley late at night alone. Without fear, one might try poking an alligator or other deadly animal with a stick. Fear is one of the emotions that prevents us from doing stupid things. But fear is a double edged sword. Fear can also prevent us from truly living life to the fullest. Fear might prevent one from traveling abroad and being able to experience a foreign culture. Fear might prevent one from entering into a relationship because one is too afraid of failure. Fear can be both good and bad, so in life there must be a balance between the good fear and the bad fear. But the struggle between balancing the good fear with the bad fear is never ending and often the fear hinders us from truly experiencing life. I guess we just have to keep fighting for balance in our life, and keep taking risks in order to really live. Oh well, just a thought born from too much coffee and way too much Netflix watching. I’ll try to post more throughout the year, and I’ll keep you updated on any other random inspirational thoughts I get.


The Past 20 Years

Dear life,

     20 years ago, I first met you, and the relationship has been rocky the entire time. I’ve met many wonderful people, and absolutely love myself now, but some of the people I’ve met make the word asshole look nice. In Latin, the word “perfide” translates as traitor, but in context it is one of the worst things you could ever call someone, a modern day “S.O.B.”. Some of the people I’ve met while being alive have perfected the art of acting nice or like they care, only to show their true colors and cut me down. Well I say to them, no more! I will no longer let you hold me back, nor will I even act nice to you later on. I say you get what you give, and if you treat me like a bitch then don’t expect any favors from me! One of the driving thoughts behind anything I do is to prove all those naysayers wrong and to be better than those who’ve bullied me. Sure, some of these people only used me as a stepping stone to get from point A to point B and never gave me any thought at all, but it’s people like that who make the deepest cuts. A friend once said she was offended when some guy asked me to be “…like a friend with benefits…” because that meant he didn’t think well enough of me to even try for something more, but she [the friend] stopped talking to me and started talking about me as soon as I graduated high school. I think both are similar; she didn’t think well enough of me to even attempt a real friendship. All I was to her was a means to stay semi-sane during high school, nothing more. But no more will I let her rule my life or be affected by her bitchiness. Another thing is a guy who says he likes you and then years pass as nothing happens. Obviously you don’t like me all that much seeing as how neither of us have been in a relationship for almost 2 years. And I made my moves and did everything I could to the point of being redundant, but the fault lies on his side of the playing field. But he will not hold me back any longer. I used to think that our life focused on who we are and who we know, but in this new decade of my life, I have had a major paradigm shift. It’s not who you know, but who you’ve known and still know. It’s not who you are, it’s who you will be. I don’t care about the people in my past, but that doesn’t mean the scars don’t hurt every once and a while. In the past, I was hurt so many times that I developed severe trust issues, and each time I started trusting someone to help me get better, they’ve all stabbed me in the back. But that doesn’t define who I am, it’s who I turn out to be that defines me. Whether it’s a mathematician, engineer, artist, or something else entirely, who I’ve become at the point in the future is all due to whose used me before and made me stronger because of it. So yes, I still hate them at times, yet I can guarantee that they have turned me into a much stronger and better person because of it. My life, in a way, is entirely thanks to them being assholes, so thanks Amanda, Matt, Will, Josh, Nathan, Jesse, Ashleigh, and well the list goes on. But so too does my song.


   A Non-teenager


My latest blog/essay/realisation

I say gerrymandering really has no place in America. Yes, we need districts to determine House of Representative seats for each state and who votes for what people, but allowing the winners to decide only makes it that much easier for the winners to stay in power. If a great politician wins, then it’s good that they stay in power; however, I have yet to ever meet a good politician, only a good liar or a good backstabber. I don’t think the lines should change unless there has been a significant change in a state’s population. If a state undergoes a major population change, then a panel of both Democrats and Republicans, none who are either in power or running for power, should decide how to draw up new lines. Now I know that might sound crazy as the Democrats and Republicans cannot even agree on how to stop the government from shutting down or how to solve a budget, but that is why I say to have the panel be made of non-politicians. The panel should consist of people, chosen at random from all over the state, who care more about the people because they ARE the people. To be honest, I think our entire government right now needs to change as many politicians care more about their paychecks then the regular people. Whenever you watch the news(any channel), both will talk say it’s the other sides fault and show data on how to prove their own point. Neither side truly cares for the people they are sworn to work for, and yet they are in charge of how the district lines are set up? The founding fathers did not want political parties; John Adams dreaded America dividing into two political parties in opposition of each other and George Washington, arguably the greatest president in American history, even agreed with John Adams in his farewell speech. And yet, here we are some 222 years after the ratification of the Bill of Rights, in a government shut-down caused by two political parties in opposition of each other not being able to agree on a budget. They may have died almost 200 years ago, but their words and warnings are still present in these modern times. This is why I say that our government needs to go back to being more in the hands of the people and less in the hands of a few power hungry politicians. Every transformation starts after a single spark. That being said, I’d rather not go too much more into my political beliefs and stick more to the questions asked for this blog.
In last year’s election, there was a very secretive issue on the ballot that practically no one knew about, at least not anyone where I was last year. Issue 2 was proposed to create a panel of 12 people to decide the new district lines for the state of Ohio. By the time I went to vote last year in my first ever election, I had no clue what Issue 2 really was for, but I knew the basics for the other issues and presidential nominees. I don’t remember what I voted for on Issue 2, but I do remember what I voted for on Issue 70 and who I voted for President. Issue 70 was a proposed bond issue for my current job to have the financing needed to rebuild some of their facilities (I work in the Dayton Metro Library system), so obviously I remember my vote for that. I think the main problem with Issue 2 for last year is that it was hardly advertised and hardly anyone knew what voting yes meant or what voting no meant. When I read the issue online to decide what to vote on it, the wording was, at that point, so confusing that I pretty much just picked yes or no randomly. Then again, I was almost 19 during last year’s elections and I was more excited to finally be able to vote and to have those annoying calls/letters/advertisements to vote this way or that officially end then I was on deciding what this one issue was actually about.

That is the latest blog I wrote for my human geography over my thoughts on gerrymandering. During the entire time, I was mostly thinking about the Hunger Games every time I had to type the word “district”. Then I came to an absurd conclusion that we are currently living the Hunger Games. Our President and all of our politicians are President Snow and the residents of the Capital. The 50 states are the 12 districts, and our regular non-politicians are the inhabitants of those 12 Districts. My comparison goes on and on, but I’m pretty sure it just means I need more sleep and less thinking about the book. If you agree or disagree with my post or any other comments, please stay family-appropriate or just refrain from commenting in the first place! Presuming, of course, that the people who read this post would be trolling or just naturally very angry about one side of this crazy world we live in.


Human Geography

This is an actual class I’m taking online this semester. Every week, we have to do a class blog on a given topic. This week’s was on whether or not we thought America was moving towards being a nation-state. My answer: Moving from multi-national statehood to nation-statehood means a shift from multiple ethnicities coexisting together while remaining distinct nationalities to a somewhat homogeneous culture group. I think that America is on it’s way to becoming more nation-state-like in that America is growing more acceptance of different cultures. America is a often called a melting pot in that it takes many different groups of people and molds them into an American. What I mean by this is that all native-born Americans are not from just one ethnic group; most can trace there routes back to 3 or 4 ethnic groups. If America was purely a multi-national state, it would be much easier to distinguish a person’s ethnic ties by where they live. Instead, all of the ethnicities have blended together to become a new culture group. Over the years since America was founded, it has been melting together different ethnic groups and customs while stirring in other cultures. Because of this, I feel like there is a centripetal force running through the hearts and minds of Americans and that is a sense of home. For many people, America is a place where they can live after escaping an oppressive lifestyle or natural disaster (the Puritans escaping religious intolerance in the 17th century, the Irish fleeing from the potato famine in the 19th century, and so on). Because America accepts so many different kinds of people and offers so many freedoms, people feel very strongly that America is their home. Nationalism is a very good example of a centripetal force, as is uniting after an external peril. After 9-11, America united as one group, as it did against the tyranny of the British rule in the 18th century. For this reason, America is well on it’s way to being a homogeneous culture group. We seldom think of ourselves as what ethnicities we came from, but as Americans. Sure, America still has multiple cultures that make up who we are, but isn’t that what makes America unique? That is our culture group; a blend of many different beliefs, customs, and ideas with no right or wrong beliefs, customs, and/or ideas. So yes, I do agree that America is becoming less of a multi-national state and more of a nation-state.


Dear Friend,

Nope, can’t do that. I cannot shoot you because that would kill me to hurt you. And chica, every day is a struggle. You know this, I know this, you know I know this, and I know you know this. Life throws curveballs every so often and sometimes life just plain sucks. Other people will say you just have to deal with it, but that’s shit advice. When they say deal with it, they basically mean sweep it under a rug and never mention it again. And sure that might work for a while, but nothing stays hidden forever (except Atlantis and unicorns, those are doing a damn good job of hiding), and frankly sweeping your problems under a rug or into a jar only makes the issue worse. Again, I know this you know this we both know the other knows this, but it still must be said. The things I’ve gone through are nothing compared to your experiences, but I still have felt a small glimpse of what I expect you feel. I can’t say life gets better, because whenever I heard that I wouldn’t believe them. Eventually, you have to ask God’s forgiveness for trying to destroy His precious creation (well I did anyway) and I eventually (somehow) let it go. If you need to add to any horrible thing I said above, just remember I love you and I have no clue exactly what you are going through, I can only try my best. What worked with me is actually Matt breaking up with me (but if anyone else later asks I will swear to my grave I never said that). With everything that was going on, I wanted to die sooooo much, but it was the same day as Marlin Smith’s funeral. Wanting to commit suicide, you convince yourself that no one really cares and that life would be better for everyone, but at his funeral it hit me how wrong that view is. Do I still get depressed, HELL yes! Have I been suicidal though, wierdly no. To think that I would be close to 1.5 YEARS and not even contemplate it amazes me. I don’t know what your turning point will be, but I know you will have one. There will be some moment in your life where you will look back and not even recognize who you were. It also helps if you can transfer whatever feelings are the cause of your depression onto somebody else. For example, mine was anger and sadness at the death of my grandfather and being social outcast for a year. I was soooo angry and freakin sad, but I had to convince everyone I was that happy hyper chick (wow still can’t believe I convinced even half the people I did). When Matt broke up with me and I graduated and the whole *name being with-held for safety reasons* thing, I transfered all my hate/anger/sadness onto them. Did it seem a bit much since I didn’t know them as long, maybe, but I had to transfer all the negative emotion that was pulling me down onto something else. If people look back at how I acted, I don’t care what they think because that was my lifesaver. Once again, that is what worked for me. And weirdly enough, I can talk to Matt without feeling any emotion other than caution (caution: talking to ex, use extreme caution). The other person I can’t, but that’s where the emotions I’ve built up for 5+ years is. Will this work for you? I have no clue in Hell. Everyone is different, what works for me may make no difference for you. But if you haven’t already DO tell a priest during Reconciliation your story and he can help you seek forgiveness from God. When God forgives you, it’s easier to forgive yourself.

A random blogger.


A Girl’s Rant

Why? This picture makes me question strongly the thought process behind some of my exes. The ones who led me on and then said they cared too much about me to date me. The one who said I deserved someone who could be there for me more and that he didn’t have the time to date anyone (which explains his new girlfriend less than a week later). The ones that never led anywhere and simply went away. Every single one of them used the excuse that they care about me, but wouldn’t someone who cares about me not hurt me in the first place? If you like me and care about me, then why do you continue to make me cry? Maybe the reason I don’t get it is I’m a girl and this might just be a man’s thought process, I don’t know. Recently, I’ve had a lot of time to think about my life and all of the mistakes I’ve made (which is never good), but the more I think about my mistakes, the more I question what exactly happened. Did I do something wrong, or is it even me? I’ll share the basics of what happened to see if this is something I did or some other reason (names have been changed to some pretty amazing new ones). Benedict was 2 years older than me, but we met in class. He was smart, funny, and in my opinion good looking. We were friends for the longest time, and by the end of my freshman year I told him I had a crush on him. We never dated, but he was still a really close kinda-boyfriend. It was in the late fall of my sophomore year that he “broke up” with me, saying that he was too focused on school (it was his senior year) to have a girlfriend, but within the next 2 weeks he had a girlfriend. He said later it was because part of him really liked me, but another part of him was scared to lose the friendship between us. Nolan was also 2 years older, but he was in band with me. This one makes some sense; everyone else called him a man whore. Still, when he wasn’t with his friends, he was the nicest person I’ve ever met. The only problem; when he had a girlfriend is when he flirted with me the most. I’d liked him before they started dating, and I didn’t really like his girlfriend. But, I was still freaked out when he broke up with her after a day of intense flirting with me (and I wasn’t the only one who was worried she would try to come after me; this girl is certifiable insane). Estevan was in my grade, and we dated for literally a week. I have known him at the time for 3-4 years, but we rarely saw each other. He said he had liked me since we met, but I had never really liked him in that way until sophomore year. One week after we started going out, he said we should take a break since we were both grounded. A month later, I asked him if he was ever going to start dating me again and if not then could we officially break up then. He replied no, and that he just didn’t like me that way anymore. Lloyd was a grade younger than me, and we first met on a school trip my junior year. During the trip, we both fell fast for the other and had an amazing time. When we got back, we stayed in touch but he said he couldn’t date anyone until he was a senior in high school due to his parents’ rules. He’s now a freshman in college and the only thing I know is he said a while back he really likes me too, but other than that I’ve got nothing. The toughest one for me is the guy I loved the most and fell the farthest down when it ended; Wesley. We dated for 4 months, and I know I’ve mentioned him on here before. Regardless, I still fail to see how he “cares” so much for me that he had to end the relationship, nor do I see why he wanted to stay friends, knowing full well he would be dating a new girl within the week. First off, that is the biggest slap in the face a girl can ever get; to be replaced that quickly, or even while dating. Second, being friends after a guy decides to break up never goes well for the girl. It is impossible for her to deal with the break-up and it just messes her up inside. No girl ever wants to stay friends, but it’s too much to deal with to say that it is just over like that.

Like I said, I have no idea if this is just something wrong with me or something else entirely. Please comment any ideas about this or any story you have about relationship issues you are confused about.


Day 10

I have successfully (in my opinion, anyway) survived campus dorm-life for 10 days! Since I’m a transfer, they made me do all of Welcome Weekend before school actually started. I’ve had exactly 6 days of classes and a 4-day holiday weekend (only 1 day of that break is included in the 10-day count). Life on campus is definitely different from life last year at a community college, but I absolutely love it! The students actually attempt to do good with schoolwork, the campus is absolutely gorgeous, and the student body is extremely nice (and the male students are ridiculously attractive). As for friends, I found some, but I think it’s still too soon to say that they’re it. College is, supposedly, the best four years of a person’s life, and last year had me worried. Then again, high school was also supposed to be the best four years of my life and those sucked, so maybe some sayings just aren’t true. But I have a feeling that these three years here will be amazing! I feel like I’m finally where I belong, and no one here belittles me or bullies me into a fake friendship like in high school. If I don’t post as much as I’d like to while up here, I apologize and I will probably be out doing campus activities. Thanks to anyone who reads this blog for making me feel, if even for the tiniest moment, that someone out there listens to even some of the stuff I say.


The scariest and hardest thing I’ve done

This will hopefully be very short, but I wanted to put on here that I am moved into my dorm at KSU and am in Day 3 of activities for Welcome Weekend as a transfer student. This is my first time being away from home for more than two weeks, and as excited as I am for it, I am deathly scared as well. How generations of people have survived college far away from home is beyond me. All I can say is I can’t wait to see my parents again.


Sisterhood Address

My closest friend since around first grade is “…getting thee to a nunnery” as Hamlet would say. I support her decision and her calling, of course, but this was before I learned she cannot use Facebook and that I will very likely never be able to contact her as easily as I can now. This is still her choice, obviously, as where to go, and I will still support her choice to the death. But I will miss her. So much so, that when I told her of this, I rewrote the Gettysburg Address just for this. I decided to post it here to remember it forever:

One score and several years ago, God brought forth on this world a unique friendship, conceived in honesty, and dedicated to the proposition that all people are loved.

Now we are engaged in a great separation, testing whether that friendship, or any friendship so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great crossroad of that evaluation. We have come to dedicate this crossroad on that evaluation, as a final resting place for those friends who have broken apart on separate paths so that this friendship might not die. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate, we can not consecrate, we can not hallow this decision. The brave women, living and deceased, who struggled before thusly, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we do afterwards, but it can never forget what we did before. It is for us currently, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these honored departed we take increased devotion to that friendship for which they gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly resolve that these departed shall not have left in vain—that this friendship, under God, shall have a new birth of trust—and that friendship of two people, by two people, for two people, shall not perish from the earth.”


Everyone has their secrets…

Everyone has their secrets, their skeletons in the closet. While mine isn’t an actual skeleton, it still haunts me like a ghost. A fellow band member in my high school marching band was expelled from high school our senior year for sexual harassment. Every band member breathed a sigh of relief when we heard the news we would no longer have to deal with his assaults. The rest of the student body had no clue any of this was going on, not to the full extent anyway. He was only suspended, at first, for running away from school. The principal was about to question him for sending implicit texts to a minor, a fellow band guy. Instead, the student took off running, trying to get away to the McDonald’s across the street. The principal ran off after him, and the student was caught. Band people knew he was bi, but the student body didn’t. Those first few days where he was gone were the best days of my life. It was my ex-boyfriend he sent those texts to, and it was me and my inner group of friends that most of his attacks were against. So sorry if I don’t exactly feel sorry about what happened to him; I think he should have been expelled freshman year. Eventually, though, the suspension was over and he returned to school. I admit, it takes great courage to return to a school after his suspension, even more so to endure those few days. Most of the school ignored him to the point of pretending he didn’t exist. I did, but that’s only because of the countless assaults he’d made before against me, but I’ll get to that later. Some people tried talking to him, to be a friend and said us band students were over-reacting in our response, but eventually he was gone. More and more facts and events were presented to the principal of his harassment, and the principal had no choice but to expel him. Just like that, the band’s secret horror was no longer our concern. We were free of him, and we still are.

Now, to get to my skeleton. My sophomore year, the guy above asked me out. I said no, that I didn’t like him like that. It’s true, at that time I thought of him as a friend. Sure, he insulted me plenty of times and treated me like an object at times, but there were these rare days where he treated me like a princess. Those days made me stay friends with him, but not exactly close friends. After I rejected him, he said that maybe he was doomed to be alone and maybe he should just kill himself. Obviously, I couldn’t just allow him to do it, but I didn’t start dating him either. I talked him out of it, saying the nicest things I could think of. Anything to get him to realize how good his life was, whether or not I meant it. Some of those things made it sound like I liked him more than I’d let on earlier in rejecting him. So he continued, throughout the years, asking me out. Each time, I turned him down, and each time he’d insult me and then threaten to kill himself. And every time, I would tell him not to do that. I started realizing that I no longer considered him my friend, but if I tried to ignore him or leave, he’d pull out the suicide threat. I was trapped, trapped with a guy I didn’t like who was bordering on stalking me. It scared me, more so than any horror movie ever has. Sometimes, I wished he would just kill himself, so that I wouldn’t have to be trapped anymore by his lies and abuse, but I knew that I would feel even worse if he did commit suicide. I’ve tried to commit suicide in the past, and part of me was angered that he was using it as a threat to keep me near him, but another part of me felt bad that he seemed to have to go to those lengths to keep friends. Eventually, he stopped asking me out, but he still remained to be my wanna-be boyfriend that I didn’t want. Whenever I did date someone, he would get after them and yell at them for “taking his girl.” My senior year, I was so fed up with it since I was never, and never will be, his girl. Anytime I had tried to be nice to him, he used it to further his deluded fantasy I loved him back. And then, he was expelled. I felt immediately like a huge weight was lifted off me, that I was no longer trapped in his cage made of threats and lies. I blocked his number on my phone, blocked his Facebook account, his email address, and  any other way he had communicated with me so I would never have to worry about him manipulating me again. But still, I couldn’t bring myself to tell others exactly how manipulative he was with me. He will always be a ghost haunting me, that as strong as I say I am and as strong as I appear to be, he had me trapped and scared, all by threatening to hurt himself, and, at times, others I loved. I don’t know where he is or if he is even still alive, but I think he is somewhere else, pretending that he has not abused or manipulated anyone else before. In one sense, if he truly has moved on, gotten help, and become a better person, then I am glad for him. But the band directors and band students have tried helping him since his freshman year, and he ignored the help until his expulsion senior year, so I doubt he’s better now. I hope he doesn’t hurt anyone else, though, but I do hope he remembers the pain he put others through and learns not to repeat those mistakes. He is one of my secrets, and by sharing it here I am trying to bring this ghost to the light to be done with it, once and for all.