2016 really stinks so far

From my last post, I would like to update that my grandmother was moved into hospice, and passed away on November 6th. I went home before they moved her into hospice, and was able to see her when she was still capable of waking up. The day they moved her into hospice was the last day she woke up, and she was in a comatose state for a day and a week. She died exactly 41 days before I graduate, and the funeral was shortly after her death. Just like at my grandfather’s funeral, they had the grandkids and great-grandkids take up a rose to put in a vase. Since some couldn’t make it back in time for the funeral, I ended up carrying 3 roses. Usually, I love roses; partially because my middle name is Rose and I’ve just always loved that connection, but this time not so much. As I was carrying the roses, I pricked myself on one of the thorns and started bleeding a bit. I know how ironic or funny it seems, a Rose injured by a rose, but I still have the scar after 7 days.

One thing that weirdly helped me survive the funeral was the US election. Before you read anything into that, let me explain. The funeral was the day after the election or 7 hours after the president-elect was announced. I couldn’t sleep that night, so I decided to stay up and keep checking to see who the next president would be. As an American, I voted earlier while I was home in case I was unable to come back on the actual election day. Since I am a somewhat educated female in her early 20s, I didn’t vote for Trump. In fact, I am so against Trump and his campaign that the Republican in me voted for a Democrat for the first time ever (I voted for Mitt Romney in 2012 even). If I tried to describe how much I despise Trump and his supporters, it would quickly turn into a heated argument that would be about as long as a final essay for a graduate level course. So I won’t say any more of my opinions on Trump other than this; whenever I felt like crying at the funeral I would just remind myself that Trump won. Then, I would become angrier instead of sad, and I wouldn’t cry. It’s not that I couldn’t cry or thought that crying was a form of weakness like I did when my grandfather passed, but more like I didn’t want my family to judge me for crying. I know my parents and brother wouldn’t judge me, but some of my other relatives can be kind of harsh to deal with. They are so quick to judge others that I felt like if they saw how ugly my face gets when I cry, they’d be sure to bring it up anytime I saw them and never really let me surpass it. So I didn’t cry due to my anger at Trump winning, but I was still sad and accepting that it is okay to feel sad or angry. I haven’t bottled up my feelings like I did last time, so hopefully I will survive and not spiral back down into depression. Thanks to everyone who has read this blog update, and was praying for my family after the last update. 2016 has really sucked so far, hasn’t it? Let me know in the comments the best thing that has happened to you so far this year, so that I can regain a little bit of hope for humanity.



This is just a life update: my grandmother is not doing well. I lost my grandfather the summer before my 8th-grade year, and I am afraid that I will be losing my grandmother with almost a month left until my college graduation. While she is 91, this is definitely not something I could see happening, and it seems to be happening faster than I thought. She hasn’t been doing well lately, and I just heard that the one doctor is recommending that she be put into hospice. This hurts mostly because I am 206 miles away, and I might not be able to see her before she passes. The last time I saw her was two weeks ago, but before that it had been a whole month. And two weeks ago, she was doing well, so if I went back she might not be doing good, which could leave me with a bad mental image of her final days. That isn’t how I wanted to word that last sentence, but I can’t figure out a way to explain it. Part of what especially worries me is that I became extremely depressed after my grandfather died, and I did not handle that grief well. So if, or more accurately now, when my grandmother dies, I’m scared I’ll fall back into the same habits. That depression back then resulted in me being suicidal, and it took 4 years to recover from fully. I don’t want to end up like that again, and while I know what not to do to try to not be like that, I’m scared it won’t be enough. I know I can’t ask for my grandmother to not die, that I should be glad she lived to be 91, but if anyone reading this is the praying type, can you please pray for my family? My grandmother is/was the glue that held us together, and when she dies there will be a ton of drama and the family will split apart. She’s still alive, and the drama has already started over whether or not my one aunt should be told of what’s going on, and how the final bills and heirlooms should be handled. I’m sorry if this post seemed to ramble quite a bit, I literally found out just how bad her health/condition is today as I write this.


Help would be much appreciated…

Hey guys. If anyone is still reading this, I need help affording my final tuition bill at Kent State. I’ve applied for 10 different student loans, and every single one has been declined. I am one semester from graduating, and only $10000 away from attending. If anyone can help, even if it’s only $1, I would be extremely thankful to you! I’ve set up a GoFundMe account, at http://www.gofundme.com/2j8xxynd

Thanks in advance for any help you can give.


YouTube Crush

The first step is admitting that you have a problem, right? Then I have a problem. I am addicted to YouTube, and even some of the YouTubers are among my celebrity crushes. It keeps me up late at night, pining for these people I will never meet. These people who, if I went to see at a tour or convention, would take pictures of random things they would’ve seen or think that we’re breathing the same air. I only know that because that is exactly what I did for one of my YouTube crushes. And I realize how ridiculous it sounds, to realize that you’re breathing the same air as them, but still, it’s a major problem. I would say it’s bordering on obsessive, and I don’t really know how to fix it. Obviously, I know it will never work. There are roughly 3,641,491,265 women in the world, with roughly 579,906,980 being in their 20s like the crushes. That means, presuming that the crushes are actually straight, then statistically I have a very small chance. The mathematical and logical side of me knows this, and realizes that I should move on and give up hope of a miracle. But the more creative side of me knows that finding true love is a long shot, and that it still happens all the time, so maybe one of the YouTubers is my one in a million guy. I mean, the chances are slim, but so are the chances of finding your soul mate. However, I think I can safely assume that if it’s meant to happen, then it will happen whether or not I obsess over them. So I am now attempting to stop fangirling over them so much, but I have no clue how to do that.

The internet has a bunch of tricks for getting over a crush, or even a celebrity crush, but those don’t really seem to work. Wikihow says the seven steps are to; 1) Realize that you will probably never meet them, and if you do then you will probably be nothing more than another fan to them. 2) Look at the admiration logically and decide if what you know/like about them is actually real or just their public persona. 3) Distance yourself from your crush by not watching their videos and removing pictures of them. 4) Spend a ton of time watching their videos so that you eventually get sick of watching the person. 5) Find someone else that you enjoy spending time with.  The other two steps involve backing off if the celebrity is currently taken, and not to root for a divorce/break-up. Obviously, I don’t know if my YouTube crushes are currently dating someone, but if they were I wouldn’t be hoping they break-up with them, nor do I root for a divorce if I find myself attracted to a married celebrity; I just don’t even think of them to the same extent I do if I know they’re single. So those last two definitely don’t help. The third and fourth seem to contradict each other, and believe me, the limit does not exist for how many times I can watch their videos before getting sick of them. Rewatching their videos would just further my crush, and not actually do anything to stop it. As for removing them from my life, I would still like to watch their videos as I enjoy the content they produce, I would just like to not obsess over them while I watch. Also, one of my YouTube crushes posts two videos every day, so if I tried to just stop watching for a month that would be 60 videos to catch up on. The first thing doesn’t really affect me, because as I said the logical part of me knows this, but the dreamer in me just doesn’t care. So Wikihow does not help here.

Other searches online only offer similar advice; to either watch a ton of videos to become sick of them, or to realize the hopelessness of it. So is that what I have to do to get over YouTube stars, either binge on their videos for days in the hopes that I grow tired of them, or give up on watching YouTube altogether, because if I were to even open the app their videos would show up. I guess that is what I get for crushing on popular YouTubers who have at least over 4 million subscribers. Then I guess I need to start purging some of their pictures from my phone and laptop…so enjoy some pictures!

{The sad part is, all of these were already downloaded previously to share with friends/admire}


Weekly Update

First, I would just like to say I have not slept in over 36 hours, so if this post seems weird or insanely worded, blame the week before finals. I have 3 different essays due next week, and I have not started a single one of them. One is on Doctor Who literature though, so I feel like I could bs my way into a B. Additionally, I had to give a senior colloquium on Wednesday, which let’s just say I didn’t die or pass out so it went well. Public speaking is a strong dislike of mine, I get anxiety and/or mini panic attacks just from thinking about talking in front of a few people. So to do a 15 minute presentation on a mathematics topic of my choosing was INSANE! I could not sleep well for a month leading up to it, and the entire day before my presentation I was shaking from nerves, I felt like I couldn’t breathe, and I legit thought of 20 or so different things that, if they happened to me, then I wouldn’t have to give this speech. Well, I chose Ancient Egyptian mathematics and the number systems used then, because I love Ancient Egyptian mythology so I thought I’d like the topic more. But then when the day rolls around and I actually have to give the speech, there were barely 5 people total in the room–2 of the 5 were friends I invited to watch me fail…So yeah, that is over and done with. I haven’t decided if I’ll post the typed version of my speech, or wait and post one of the three essays I haven’t written yet.

Anyway, besides having completed a 15 minute senior colloquium, I’ve had a weird week of watching anime or YouTube videos, and then remembering all of the school work I have to do and then struggling to finish on time. Plus the struggle to then stay awake in my classes, as well as later when I’m back home working on homework (or this blog…sorry!). Coffee has played such a huge role in my life this week, but unfortunately I have drank so much coffee during my high school career and then later that the caffeine takes a long time to affect me. So then by the time I actually feel awake from the coffee, the caffeine is making my heart pound almost as badly as when I get called on in class (no where near presentation level though). Besides that, I feel like not much else has really happened to me this week, other than I actually remembered this password and updated this blog for the second time in a week! So, take care, and to end with an inspirational quote from Markiplier; “Never give up, no matter what may set you back, and know that at the end of the road, you’re going to have something that you can be proud of.”


Yearly Update

I failed. I said I would try to write more, and I failed. At least this is still the same year as the last post I made. Sorry to anyone still reading this blog, I swear I will try to do better. Life has been really busy and hectic lately, and while that is a cliche excuse, I swear it’s true.

Since I’ve been gone for so long, I decided to give an update on some of the things I’ve been doing lately;

  1. I applied for graduation from college for December 2016. That’s right, I started this blog my freshman year of college, and now I’m about to (hopefully) graduate this year. In some aspects it feels like the time has flown by, but those moments are never during my morning math classes. When I first started this blog, I was majoring in Electronic Media Management while attending a community college because I couldn’t afford the school I wanted to go to. And no, I honestly don’t know what Electronic Media Management is, but the way it was explained to me back then was behind the scenes stage crew type stuff. But then, once I saw the classes I needed to take for my major, it was mostly business classes and very little math classes. So, when I transferred the next year to the college I originally had planned to attend (and still do attend, for that matter), I also changed my major…to mathematics. At the time, I was excited for it because it’s the subject I did the best in and it makes a ton of money. But here I am, almost three years later and about to graduate, and I realized I don’t actually love mathematics. Many people have said to do what you love, but I realized I like math and am good at math, plus the pay is great, but it’s not what I love. I don’t really know what I love, but I plan on finding out after graduating with a degree so that I at least have a fallback plan in place.
  2. I decided to try taking more online classes because I don’t like morning classes, so my current semester schedule consists of 3 in-person classes and 3 online classes, and they all have these huge projects due around the same time. Yay, I know. But, most are electives so I don’t have to focus or stress too much about them. I did schedule my (hopefully) last semester of classes, and I am in love with the classes! No Friday classes, and my weekends start at 1:45 pm on Thursday and last until 3:45 pm on Monday. Which is amazing, I know, having such a long weekend every single week, but with me (hopefully) graduating soon, I think I might need the long weekends to apply for jobs and work on resumes and other important life goals. More accurately, though, I’ll probably just watch YouTube videos and catch up on tv shows.
  3. Speaking of YouTube videos, some friends (yes I have friends IRL up here now, it’s gradually increasing from a few people to a comfortable amount) and I are going to see The Amazing Tour Is Not On Fire in May. Now I know that, because I haven’t been on here much, I haven’t talked about my obsession with danisnotonfire and AmazingPhil (among other YouTubers), but believe me I am soooooooooooooooooooo excited for it. Before even finding out where in America they would be, or that they were even coming to America, 50% of the things I talked to my friends about were danisnotonfire and AmazingPhil. So you can probably imagine how excited I was to see they were coming to a city about 12 miles away, or a 22 minute car ride according to Google Maps.And yes, I am more excited by this then by the fact I (hopefully) graduate soon. Maybe because my whole life has pretty much been in school of some sort and I don’t really know what to expect from Life After School.

That is a summary of what I’ve been doing this year. Maybe other important things will happen, I don’t know. But for now anyway, that is what I’m most looking forward to. Well, that and hopefully NOT Trump for President…

Before I leave for what might just be another 4 months or a year, I’d like to leave some of my favorite inspirational quotes by some of my favorite YouTubers (in no specific order at all);

  • “You should never make fun of something a person can’t change about themselves.” -AmazingPhil [source1]
  • “You are a human with one life, and it’s up to you to make it the best life you can.” -danisnotonfire [source2]
  • “Care about the world around you. Volunteer. Vote. It’s your world too, get involved.” -Markiplier [source3]
  • “If you don’t achieve success today it’s not the end of the world. Tomorrow is another day so just keep on trying your best!” -jacksepticeye [source4]
  • “I workout to history podcasts cause if ppl survived Genghis Khan I can do one more push up.” -Paint [source5]

A wordy response (AKA don’t ask me about my favorite show)

In a science fiction literature online class I’m taking this semester, this week’s assignment was a discussion post on what we thought the best science fiction show was in a minimum of 120 words– my response was almost 600 words. Now obviously I edited my response down to those 600 words and the original response was much more verbose, but I realized that anytime anyone asks me a question involving the show I picked, I am rather loquacious about it and probably over-answer the original question. So I decided to post my response here, and remember the question originally was “what is the best science fiction show, in your opinion?”;


In my opinion, the best Science Fiction show is Doctor Who. While more recent episodes seem to lean closer to being called fantasy rather than science fiction, at it’s core, Doctor Who is a science fiction show. Back in November 1963 when the very first episode aired, the whole point or plot of the show was an educational series for children; whenever the Doctor went back in time it was to teach kids history and whenever he traveled into the future it was to teach science and technology. But Doctor Who has become so much more than just a children’s educational show over the past 52 years. Now, Doctor Who is shown in over 75 countries with an average of 10 million viewers per episode, and that includes viewers from both Old Who and New Who. The show Doctor Who first ran from 1963 to 1989 when viewers fell to almost 3 million. However, the ideas and concepts from Doctor Who, thankfully, did not die in 1989 with the show’s 26th season, but changed format to include audiobooks, graphic novels, and books. Then, in 1996, they tried to relaunch Doctor Who on the screens by making a TV movie, but the timing was not yet right. In 2005, Russell T. Davies brought Doctor Who back to BBC television, and that revival is still currently showing today.

But not only does Doctor Who have a vast collection of episodes and viewers, it has an incredibly large fanbase that one might say is bigger on the inside. Besides the episodes, books, special episodes, and graphic novels, there are huge conventions thrown every year solely for Doctor Who. Even at other conventions, you can usually find at least ten different people cosplaying a different Doctor Who character. There have been 13 different doctors, and each one looks different and has some different personalities, so there is always one Doctor who just resonates with every fan. I would say that that itself is one of the reasons Doctor Who is so popular, is that the main character can change and as he changes, he can appeal to more and more fans. For instance, the first Doctor Who episode I ever watched was “Rose” which was the first episode of the 2005 revival, so the very first Doctor I ever saw was the Ninth, but my all-time favorite Doctor is the Tenth. Each Doctor has some iconic quote or some inspirational speech, whether it’s Eleven’s speech in Akhaten; “That’s what I’ll do; I will tell you a story. Can you hear them? All these people who lived in terror of you and your judgement. All these people who’s ancestors devoted themselves, sacrificed themselves to you. Can you hear them singing? Oh, you like to think you’re a god. You’re not a god, you’re just a parasite, eaten out with jealousy and envy and longing for the lives of other. You feed on them, on the memory of love and loss and birth and death and joy and sorrow! So…So…Come on, then. Take mine.” or Twelve’s anti-war speech; “You just want cruelty to beget cruelty. You’re not superior to people who were cruel to you. You’re just a whole bunch of new cruel people. A whole bunch of new people, being cruel to some other people, who’ll end up being cruel to you. The only way anyone can live in peace is if they’re prepared to forgive.” There are many, many, many more quotes showing just how much of an impact Doctor Who has on life, and to show why I think Doctor Who is the best Science Fiction show, but as River Song would say, “Spoilers.”


Coffee Inspiration Part 1

First off, I apologize that I have not been keeping this up at all. So much has happened since my last post. I’m now three semesters away from graduating college, I have my own apartment off campus, and I can legally drink. Besides being busy trying to not drop out of school as well as being adult enough to actually take care of the apartment and myself, I have also been watching a ton of tv shows like Criminal Minds and Numbers. Spoiler; watching crime dramas late at night when you live by yourself can make you slightly paranoid, especially if you’re addicted to coffee. Anyway, as I keep watching these shows and drinking more coffee, I realized that the most inspirational sayings I have come from either lessons learned from tv or random thoughts while on coffee. So, since I remembered I have a blog, I thought I’d post one from today. I am currently in Season 2 of Numbers and they just had a shooting at the FBI office that the main characters work at. It should also be noted I’m drinking coffee and had just previously watched Criminal Minds episode. As I’m watching, I started thinking about fear and how intense fear can shape our actions. This lead to me saying (still entirely to myself) “Fear is a powerful emotion; it can be what keeps you alive, but it can also be what keeps you from truly living.” Think about it, fear is what keeps us alive. Without fear, one might be tempted into walking down the pitch black alley late at night alone. Without fear, one might try poking an alligator or other deadly animal with a stick. Fear is one of the emotions that prevents us from doing stupid things. But fear is a double edged sword. Fear can also prevent us from truly living life to the fullest. Fear might prevent one from traveling abroad and being able to experience a foreign culture. Fear might prevent one from entering into a relationship because one is too afraid of failure. Fear can be both good and bad, so in life there must be a balance between the good fear and the bad fear. But the struggle between balancing the good fear with the bad fear is never ending and often the fear hinders us from truly experiencing life. I guess we just have to keep fighting for balance in our life, and keep taking risks in order to really live. Oh well, just a thought born from too much coffee and way too much Netflix watching. I’ll try to post more throughout the year, and I’ll keep you updated on any other random inspirational thoughts I get.


The Past 20 Years

Dear life,

     20 years ago, I first met you, and the relationship has been rocky the entire time. I’ve met many wonderful people, and absolutely love myself now, but some of the people I’ve met make the word asshole look nice. In Latin, the word “perfide” translates as traitor, but in context it is one of the worst things you could ever call someone, a modern day “S.O.B.”. Some of the people I’ve met while being alive have perfected the art of acting nice or like they care, only to show their true colors and cut me down. Well I say to them, no more! I will no longer let you hold me back, nor will I even act nice to you later on. I say you get what you give, and if you treat me like a bitch then don’t expect any favors from me! One of the driving thoughts behind anything I do is to prove all those naysayers wrong and to be better than those who’ve bullied me. Sure, some of these people only used me as a stepping stone to get from point A to point B and never gave me any thought at all, but it’s people like that who make the deepest cuts. A friend once said she was offended when some guy asked me to be “…like a friend with benefits…” because that meant he didn’t think well enough of me to even try for something more, but she [the friend] stopped talking to me and started talking about me as soon as I graduated high school. I think both are similar; she didn’t think well enough of me to even attempt a real friendship. All I was to her was a means to stay semi-sane during high school, nothing more. But no more will I let her rule my life or be affected by her bitchiness. Another thing is a guy who says he likes you and then years pass as nothing happens. Obviously you don’t like me all that much seeing as how neither of us have been in a relationship for almost 2 years. And I made my moves and did everything I could to the point of being redundant, but the fault lies on his side of the playing field. But he will not hold me back any longer. I used to think that our life focused on who we are and who we know, but in this new decade of my life, I have had a major paradigm shift. It’s not who you know, but who you’ve known and still know. It’s not who you are, it’s who you will be. I don’t care about the people in my past, but that doesn’t mean the scars don’t hurt every once and a while. In the past, I was hurt so many times that I developed severe trust issues, and each time I started trusting someone to help me get better, they’ve all stabbed me in the back. But that doesn’t define who I am, it’s who I turn out to be that defines me. Whether it’s a mathematician, engineer, artist, or something else entirely, who I’ve become at the point in the future is all due to whose used me before and made me stronger because of it. So yes, I still hate them at times, yet I can guarantee that they have turned me into a much stronger and better person because of it. My life, in a way, is entirely thanks to them being assholes, so thanks Amanda, Matt, Will, Josh, Nathan, Jesse, Ashleigh, and well the list goes on. But so too does my song.


   A Non-teenager


My latest blog/essay/realisation

I say gerrymandering really has no place in America. Yes, we need districts to determine House of Representative seats for each state and who votes for what people, but allowing the winners to decide only makes it that much easier for the winners to stay in power. If a great politician wins, then it’s good that they stay in power; however, I have yet to ever meet a good politician, only a good liar or a good backstabber. I don’t think the lines should change unless there has been a significant change in a state’s population. If a state undergoes a major population change, then a panel of both Democrats and Republicans, none who are either in power or running for power, should decide how to draw up new lines. Now I know that might sound crazy as the Democrats and Republicans cannot even agree on how to stop the government from shutting down or how to solve a budget, but that is why I say to have the panel be made of non-politicians. The panel should consist of people, chosen at random from all over the state, who care more about the people because they ARE the people. To be honest, I think our entire government right now needs to change as many politicians care more about their paychecks then the regular people. Whenever you watch the news(any channel), both will talk say it’s the other sides fault and show data on how to prove their own point. Neither side truly cares for the people they are sworn to work for, and yet they are in charge of how the district lines are set up? The founding fathers did not want political parties; John Adams dreaded America dividing into two political parties in opposition of each other and George Washington, arguably the greatest president in American history, even agreed with John Adams in his farewell speech. And yet, here we are some 222 years after the ratification of the Bill of Rights, in a government shut-down caused by two political parties in opposition of each other not being able to agree on a budget. They may have died almost 200 years ago, but their words and warnings are still present in these modern times. This is why I say that our government needs to go back to being more in the hands of the people and less in the hands of a few power hungry politicians. Every transformation starts after a single spark. That being said, I’d rather not go too much more into my political beliefs and stick more to the questions asked for this blog.
In last year’s election, there was a very secretive issue on the ballot that practically no one knew about, at least not anyone where I was last year. Issue 2 was proposed to create a panel of 12 people to decide the new district lines for the state of Ohio. By the time I went to vote last year in my first ever election, I had no clue what Issue 2 really was for, but I knew the basics for the other issues and presidential nominees. I don’t remember what I voted for on Issue 2, but I do remember what I voted for on Issue 70 and who I voted for President. Issue 70 was a proposed bond issue for my current job to have the financing needed to rebuild some of their facilities (I work in the Dayton Metro Library system), so obviously I remember my vote for that. I think the main problem with Issue 2 for last year is that it was hardly advertised and hardly anyone knew what voting yes meant or what voting no meant. When I read the issue online to decide what to vote on it, the wording was, at that point, so confusing that I pretty much just picked yes or no randomly. Then again, I was almost 19 during last year’s elections and I was more excited to finally be able to vote and to have those annoying calls/letters/advertisements to vote this way or that officially end then I was on deciding what this one issue was actually about.

That is the latest blog I wrote for my human geography over my thoughts on gerrymandering. During the entire time, I was mostly thinking about the Hunger Games every time I had to type the word “district”. Then I came to an absurd conclusion that we are currently living the Hunger Games. Our President and all of our politicians are President Snow and the residents of the Capital. The 50 states are the 12 districts, and our regular non-politicians are the inhabitants of those 12 Districts. My comparison goes on and on, but I’m pretty sure it just means I need more sleep and less thinking about the book. If you agree or disagree with my post or any other comments, please stay family-appropriate or just refrain from commenting in the first place! Presuming, of course, that the people who read this post would be trolling or just naturally very angry about one side of this crazy world we live in.